the old new me
more & more to go through - vol. 11
“I act and react, and suddenly I wonder, ‘Where is the girl I was last year? Two years ago? What would she think of me now?” - Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
At the same time that we humans are considered the most neurologically advanced creatures, we use this power to our own detriment. For instance, consider how we use our memory or imagination, eventually torturing ourselves by something that happened years ago or thinking about future problems that give us anxiety (can you see the difference between against and for ourselves?). We misunderstand and misjudge how our mind works. It constantly wants to escape into the past (to give us identity) or the future (to predict) because the now lacks certainty. Rejecting the present moment by comparing it to something else is suffering. It's cliché, but to find all the versions of ourselves, we must look into the present.
growing up and getting old (in the best way possible)
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” I bet this is the question every child has heard before. I used to answer a few things: a criminal investigator, an actress, and famous. What did I typically hear back? Some laughs, smiles (the kind of “adults know better”), and one time a woman said that my name matched with “actress” (in Portuguese: Be(atriz), lol). Of course, all the options were eventually crossed off the list, even if I sometimes think about them. However, being a “communicator” is the only profession I have held onto pursuing. Time made me more realistic and made me question what it means to be an adult. I still wonder how life works…
I will turn 27 this year, and I assure you that I'm not a birthday person; in fact, it's triggering to me - I have birthday blues (aka “birthday depression”). I hate that it happens yearly, whether or not we are ready for it (I never am). I think that after 18yo, I was not just “growing up” but “getting older”, and the reasons why I feel this way I will leave for my therapy sessions. I want to share the struggle to receive love and believe we deserve it because I don't think it's a unique experience. Sometimes, I see birthdays as a reality check.
I know that I'm not old in any way, and Dolly Alderton's book “Everything I Know About Love” has a quote that perfectly expresses my feelings:
“Be the person you wish you could be, not the person you feel you are doomed to be. Let yourself run away with your feelings. You are made so that someone could love you. Let them love you”.
Growing up is a mix of nostalgia and anxiety, filled with what-ifs, so that's why appreciating every little moment has been my safe place. The video about the “butterfly effect” has been all over my TikTok’s fy page. For those who don't know, it is a metaphor for understanding how our actions and decisions, no matter how small, can impact our surroundings, like turning left or right on the street. These moments can bring the unexpected.
Here are a few things that I have learned in my twenties (not that I constantly follow them rs):
Be true to yourself.
Recognise your strengths.
Celebrate your achievements.
Respect and preserve your individuality.
Keep learning.
Find meaning in the quiet and reflective days.
Find hobbies to release the pressure of work/study.
Be delusional (carefully!).
Trust your gut.
Friendships carry us forward.
Be patient.
Feeling sad or confused is better than not feeling anything.
Rejection = redirection.
Live the question.
Solidify your sense of self.
The twenties are not about how much you have accomplished but a time to keep experiencing, failing, and starting. You will not know how to figure out most things and are not expected to do so. And most importantly, don't think you will have to learn from your mistakes in your thirties; maybe you will make even worse ones. When you are forty, you may look back, like in your fifties, and have the same questions unanswered.
what's in my draft - draft is a WhatsApp group name that I have with myself - and now I want to change from private to public:
📖 A Little Life - YANAGIHARA, Hanya.
🎞️ About Time (2013).
🎧 Rivers and Roads by The Head And The Heart.
my warmest thanks,
bea 💌
“Be delusional (carefully)” hahahahahha I loved this part
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